U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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