My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
