I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
