insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
