I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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