Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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