are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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