Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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