It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
