xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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