Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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