i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize