you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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