operation have a gay friend backfired
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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