Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
