I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
