So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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