she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
