It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
