I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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