I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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