A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
