The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
