I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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