What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
