i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
