so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
