I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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