You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
