i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
