Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
