Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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