He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
