..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
