Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
