I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
