from now on my penis is your penis
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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