Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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