I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
