We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize