There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
