My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
