He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
