yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
