Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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