What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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