my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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