I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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