i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
