I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
