Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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