1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
