End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
