so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
