I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
