he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize