So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
