I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize